False Reality: 11 Things I learned after serving 15 years in federal prison

By: Clifford ‘Spud” Johnson

I have been home for 27 months after completing a 15 year and 11 month sentence in federal prison for conspiracy to distribute 16.5 kilos of crack cocaine. Going to prison for the very first time in my life without actually getting caught for selling drugs was hard enough for me. I mean yes, I did sell drugs but the federal conspiracy charge is so broad that a person does not need to be caught selling drugs as long as they have enough proof against you to make the charge stick.

As I mentioned, doing time was hard for me but I made the best of it by penning several novels and signing a book deal with Carl Weber’s Urban Books- America’s largest African American book distributor. Yes, I went from distributing drugs to distributing books.

With that accomplishment under my belt I felt I was ready for society for certain. I mean my books are in Walmart, Barnes & Noble and all major retail store, the sky is the limit right? NOPE!

Upon my release, I had to address and I am still addressing issues that no counseling class the federal government provided could have ever prepare me for. I chose to document this in hopes that it can help someone who will have to address these same issues after being released from federal and state prison. I chose 11 because the number 11 has always been a number that has been special to me. I’ll explain that at a later. So here they are.

(1) Support System

My support system was tremendous. I mean no man could ever have been as blessed as I was upon my release. I had family and loved ones who took care of me in every way. This included buying me clothes, providing me with a cell phone, and bringing me food to the halfway house. Everything I needed was given to me. Cool!

But as I look at it now it was not really cool because I took that for granted and every time something got rough for me I had my hand out expecting family and friends to give – give – give. Their generosity became a crutch I felt would lead me to making bad decisions.

Thankfully, I had some tough love given to me from Tezlyn Figaro who woke me up! Thank you Tezlyn, with your words of encouragement and patience I was able to get me to a point (finally) where I had to man up and take care of myself. My point, please don not come home and take for granted the blessings your loved ones give, accept them humbly and get yourself your own! Trust me you will love the feeling.

(2) Technology

WOW is all I can say to start this. I left in 1999 and returned in 2015 to a world so fast for me that I was terrified. I mean the simple stuff like using a cell phone freaked me out. I thought I could just get a smart phone take it in a room and figure it out. WRONG! Even though it is now so simple to me, at first it had me actually scared. I didn’t know how to tap the phone to make the keys show. I didn’t know how to check my emails on my phone. I had hell sending a text!

This may not be too uncommon to those who have knowledge of this, but to those who have left in the 90s to return to this hi-tech world – it is a straight trip. Cash ruled my world, to come home and get a debit card was strange to me. But I got it now LOL. However, the technology changes by the day and I’m still learning and trying to keep up!

(3) Battling Temptations

I was blessed by family and friends and so many other ways. I was blessed enough to get a job 16 days after my release. I know this is sad to say, but this was the first job I ever had and I was 45 years old. All I knew was the hustle from the streets, but now I was in what I like to call the Johnny Square world. So, I had to be able to adapt to it. I had to be Johnny Square for the first time in my life and I was scared to death. Could I do this?

Will I be able to get used to getting up going to work for eight hours a day for $11.25 a hour? You damn right I could! And I did it. I mean I was scared true, but I embraced my fears and went to work proudly every single day. On time and worked overtime without issue. I felt real good about myself and was quite proud. Up until payday.

Every time payday came instead of being happy about the honest money I’ve earned I felt like WTF!? I used to blow this on Jordans, clothes and clubbing. I would look at my check and be like fuck this, I gotta get my hustle on. But after a day or so that would fade because I would think about standing up at four o’clock count in the feds and be like nope, no fucking way am I ever doing that again. So I put those temptations to rest and kept right on working and loving it.

Does the temptation ever go away? NO. I refuse to fall for the temptations of the game because I know what it will lead too and I’ve come too far now to fail. My point is you have to dig deep into your inner soul, pray hard every single night and stay focused on your freedom.

God is so good always believe that.

(4) Managing Check to Check

Managing money was also a hard one for me because I was used to having what I want — when I wanted it. But my money wasn’t long and I learned quickly that fact was real. You have to set yourself up a budget quick fast and in a hurry once you see what you are making. If you do not those temptations I spoke on will eat at you until you break.

MANAGE WHAT YOU EARN! PLEASE DO THIS ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(5) The Simple Things

I was amazed at how the simple things in life that no one who has been to prison, even think about, had me shocked. Going to the grocery store, Walmart or the mall was so fascinating to me. Everything and everyone seemed to move so fast!

While I was on my federal vacay I dreamt of how it would feel like to walk in the mall and go shopping. I couldn’t wait! Yet it took me literally two years before I actually did it! It was like being around so many people made me nervous. Weird right? I mean how can I feel like that when I had just did 15 plus years around 2,000 or more men every day. Trust me it is not the same. My point is this will take time, but you will gradually adjust and when you do it is going to feel great!

(6) Family Dynamics

Everyone’s family dynamics are different. However, for those who left young kids when you went to prison, you will have some heavy challenges to face when you return home, My sons were 5 and 2 years old when I left. They were 18 and 21 when I returned. Having to acknowledge them as young men was very difficult to me. I did not want to come home and be strict and tough on them. Yet I did not want to be too soft either. It’s a fine balance you have to face. The best advice I can give is try to form the best communication you can with your kids.

(7) Pride

Pride sometimes can be good and bad. For me it was a little of both. It felt so good when I got approved for my 2008 Impala. The first car I owned without using ill-gotten gains. I worked hard for my money and I appreciated and loved my car! Yes, it is seven years old but it is my pride and joy! I take care of my car in every way. Funny, because before I went to prison I had new whips like it wasn’t nothing. Lowriders, big rims loud music and all that, but now that is the last thing I think about.

Even if I could afford that stuff it does not mean nothing to me anymore. I am more focused on being able to pay my rent on time and take care of my bills. And that’s what makes me so proud of myself. I’m taking care of me and love it! I will not fake it with you though, sometimes pride puts me in a bad way. When I am around people I tend to think I don’t look as good as them, because I may have on less expensive clothes or whatever. I try to shake it off but it’s not easily done. I know it’s because I was used to having the best of the best but I’m not in the 90s anymore! Those days are over! And I keep reminding myself of that every single day. You have to in order to overcome the negatives that come from pride like that.

Again, I pray and keep the faith and God has held me down. TRUST IN HIM!

(8) Pride 2.0

Pride and ego combined can be so detrimental to you and that takes prayer and a whole lot of thinking. If you don’t think before you move ,your ego can get you twisted fast and I’ve had some close encounters that scared me to death. Respect, is something that is demanded when on the other side of the fence, but what we deem respect inside —  is totally different outside in the REAL world. I’ve had to learn quickly and I beg you to do the same.

Someone can say something you think is disrespectful and you will snap quick if you don’t think before you respond. I’ve almost had a fight with my boss at work because of my ego and simple mind state I brought home from prison. So PLEASE don’t let your ego or false pride as being a man do this to you because it will lead you into a wreck fast!

(9) Past Guilt

Your homeboys, friends, homegirls, family, kids whomever will try to put you on a mean guilt trip in someway or the other. Especially if you were the bread winner when you were home. Don’t let that happen! The past is the past and you can’t go back in time, you only can live in the now. That false sense of obligation will be detrimental to everything you are trying to accomplish now. I’m not saying do not be there for your love ones, but if you can’t do something for them don’t let anyone guilt you. It will hurt you in more ways than one. TRUST ME!

(10) Health

Most of us when we return home from prison are in the best physical health of our lives. The foods we consumed in prison can affect your appetite greatly once you are free. You are going to want to eat everything up under the sun, because you missed so much. I’m currently going through severe stomach issues because of that so be careful and take your time adjusting to the food of the free world because it is so rich that it can mess you up fast!

(11) My Dreams

Lastly, one of the most important to me is my dreams. All you did while in prison was dream of how you would live and enjoy the rest of your days. Those dreams can come back and haunt you like the worst nightmare you’ve ever had in your life. I mentioned how I’m a published author with books in Walmart and all that, so my dreams were on a major scale. I mean I was thinking I was going to come home and be this big time best selling author. WRONG! Reality hit me in the head.

I have a lot to learn about a business I thought I knew inside and out. It took a lot of talks with my confidante (Tez again) for me to wake up and see that the work has to be put in before those grand dreams can ever come. It is much more than me selling books it is about branding and public relations. Huh? These things were so foreign to me.

My point in closing is that it is ok to dream just don’t confuse your dreams with reality because it’s real out here. The only way you will make it as a Johnny Square is patience, focus and prayer.

God Bless,

Clifford ‘Spud’ Johnson

Author Clifford Spud Johnson book titles can be found in America’s largest retail stores such as Wal-Mart, Barnes and Noble, Books a Million and Amazon. For more information please visit http://www.cliffordspudjohnson.com.